What am i living when i am done here.

Family

Had a video call with my family yesterday for the first time since i been here under my mom request ( no idea why i called her out of the blue, but i am glad i did. I guess i wont consider it that long considering the fact that it has only been 2 months). I always believed that it is nothing of concern if you are away from the family since technology has made communicating easy and cheap. But however, the saying goes nothing beats seeing the familiar faces that i so have been used to seeing for the past 21 years of my life.

The first thing i noticed was my dad. He looked so tired and seemed to have aged quite a bit. Then my mom, which seems to be fine. My bro, which seemed to have slimmed down. Then my dogs, which are always as blur as ever. Then my sisters which seem to have grown taller. Lastly i saw my maid which i bragged my newly acquired housekeeping skills to.

We talked about normal things, feels kinda weird talking to family members over the net. Towards the end of the conversation, (we kinda ran out of things to talk about therefore i had to make it less awkward by ending it) a gush of emotions overwhelmed me. My face felt hot, my eyes were watery. Seriously, i did not have a clue what it was. Still, i put up a strong front and ended the conversation, with that "dont care-less, everything is fine, happy go lucky attitude".

I guess the whole notion of what family is has changed, at least for me. Knowing that they are always there for you is never enough, knowing that they will stand by you in your ups and downs is insignificant. Family in my own definition is about sacrifice, its about being a unit. A family picture means so much more then just a photo with people in it now. Its the experiences we share, the hardship that we endured, the insignificant conversations that we have.

The thought of it, even now, kills me. I will never forget that weary face of my dad.

Well it might be cruel for me to say this, but i think it will do more good then bad, lets not have anymore video calling sessions.

A letter to my dear sister SQ.

Thank you for confiding in me the concerns you have for your forthcoming exams. I guess i didnt really know you till i came over.

At a young age like yours, exams are at times, a do or die situation. You give yourself too much pressure then you really ought to. I remember when i was your age and in secondary school, i wasnt in the habit of studying, doing homework or even paying attention in class. In your case, you have already beaten me in that aspect.

Well, when i did better then i could ever expect to, i contribute it to pure luck. I got lucky, from a 39 pointer to a 14 pointer. That was how lucky i got. This might sound like a message for you to follow my footstep, but in reality it really is not.

I believe that hardworking-ness have already been inculcated in you. When you speak to me, never once have i asked you to work hard. What i have always said to you in my relax take it easy tone is to let nature take its course. Never let the result bother you as long as you have done what you can, never come to a point where you let yourself be hurt by what you could have done. Rather, you should come to a self realization at the point of preparing for the exams that i should do what i can now, and let the results be what they are, no matter what they are.

My message to you is simple, its never about the results. Dont worry about making the cut, being not good enough. No matter what, things work out one way or another, each has its pros and cons, we all have different routes in life to undertake. As being a brother and for who i am, one that never motivate or console, i can only provide an alternative. Thats all i can do and say.

I am sorry if this does not offer you help in any ways, but i sure hope it helps ease the pressure of expectation that we have on you. I can tell you frankly that dad will take whatever results you score.

Dont complicate life, its already complicated enough. Let others do the worrying. Just be you for once.

SJ.