Today marks the end of the September, just 1 month 3 weeks more to go...
I came to a sudden realization today of what i am actually living here.
1. The Party that almost got me kicked out of campus housing.
2. Getting so pissed drunk to be stuck in the toilet.
3. Smoking
4. Being as childish as ever.
To come to a realization and not do anything about it is something i cant live with.
And right now, i am doing just that; not living.
Ironies are so part of my life that i seriously doubt whether i would be the same person i am without it.
Irony One : To be able to write what i feel and not express it.
Irony Two : To be liked by many and not be liked by the one that matters most.
Irony Three : To be indifferent but the neediness never goes away.
I have always understood the meaning of dark satire because i have always been in one.
So pardon me tonight for being defensive.
Let me dedicate this to anyone who doesnt find it offensive.
Cause tonight just aint the night,
where stars can shine bright,
and lovers make out in plain sight.
To know you are close
yet feels so distant,
to get an answer,
yet one that doesnt answers.
I can write for ages this love of mine,
but such cruel is life,
that never will it serve its purpose outright.
Forgive me for this public outcry,
For no man's an island,
havent u realised.
I smiled when i wrote this last line,
because again i realised,
how ironic,
is life.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
What am i living when i am done here.
Family
Had a video call with my family yesterday for the first time since i been here under my mom request ( no idea why i called her out of the blue, but i am glad i did. I guess i wont consider it that long considering the fact that it has only been 2 months). I always believed that it is nothing of concern if you are away from the family since technology has made communicating easy and cheap. But however, the saying goes nothing beats seeing the familiar faces that i so have been used to seeing for the past 21 years of my life.
The first thing i noticed was my dad. He looked so tired and seemed to have aged quite a bit. Then my mom, which seems to be fine. My bro, which seemed to have slimmed down. Then my dogs, which are always as blur as ever. Then my sisters which seem to have grown taller. Lastly i saw my maid which i bragged my newly acquired housekeeping skills to.
We talked about normal things, feels kinda weird talking to family members over the net. Towards the end of the conversation, (we kinda ran out of things to talk about therefore i had to make it less awkward by ending it) a gush of emotions overwhelmed me. My face felt hot, my eyes were watery. Seriously, i did not have a clue what it was. Still, i put up a strong front and ended the conversation, with that "dont care-less, everything is fine, happy go lucky attitude".
I guess the whole notion of what family is has changed, at least for me. Knowing that they are always there for you is never enough, knowing that they will stand by you in your ups and downs is insignificant. Family in my own definition is about sacrifice, its about being a unit. A family picture means so much more then just a photo with people in it now. Its the experiences we share, the hardship that we endured, the insignificant conversations that we have.
The thought of it, even now, kills me. I will never forget that weary face of my dad.
Well it might be cruel for me to say this, but i think it will do more good then bad, lets not have anymore video calling sessions.
A letter to my dear sister SQ.
Thank you for confiding in me the concerns you have for your forthcoming exams. I guess i didnt really know you till i came over.
At a young age like yours, exams are at times, a do or die situation. You give yourself too much pressure then you really ought to. I remember when i was your age and in secondary school, i wasnt in the habit of studying, doing homework or even paying attention in class. In your case, you have already beaten me in that aspect.
Well, when i did better then i could ever expect to, i contribute it to pure luck. I got lucky, from a 39 pointer to a 14 pointer. That was how lucky i got. This might sound like a message for you to follow my footstep, but in reality it really is not.
I believe that hardworking-ness have already been inculcated in you. When you speak to me, never once have i asked you to work hard. What i have always said to you in my relax take it easy tone is to let nature take its course. Never let the result bother you as long as you have done what you can, never come to a point where you let yourself be hurt by what you could have done. Rather, you should come to a self realization at the point of preparing for the exams that i should do what i can now, and let the results be what they are, no matter what they are.
My message to you is simple, its never about the results. Dont worry about making the cut, being not good enough. No matter what, things work out one way or another, each has its pros and cons, we all have different routes in life to undertake. As being a brother and for who i am, one that never motivate or console, i can only provide an alternative. Thats all i can do and say.
I am sorry if this does not offer you help in any ways, but i sure hope it helps ease the pressure of expectation that we have on you. I can tell you frankly that dad will take whatever results you score.
Dont complicate life, its already complicated enough. Let others do the worrying. Just be you for once.
SJ.
Had a video call with my family yesterday for the first time since i been here under my mom request ( no idea why i called her out of the blue, but i am glad i did. I guess i wont consider it that long considering the fact that it has only been 2 months). I always believed that it is nothing of concern if you are away from the family since technology has made communicating easy and cheap. But however, the saying goes nothing beats seeing the familiar faces that i so have been used to seeing for the past 21 years of my life.
The first thing i noticed was my dad. He looked so tired and seemed to have aged quite a bit. Then my mom, which seems to be fine. My bro, which seemed to have slimmed down. Then my dogs, which are always as blur as ever. Then my sisters which seem to have grown taller. Lastly i saw my maid which i bragged my newly acquired housekeeping skills to.
We talked about normal things, feels kinda weird talking to family members over the net. Towards the end of the conversation, (we kinda ran out of things to talk about therefore i had to make it less awkward by ending it) a gush of emotions overwhelmed me. My face felt hot, my eyes were watery. Seriously, i did not have a clue what it was. Still, i put up a strong front and ended the conversation, with that "dont care-less, everything is fine, happy go lucky attitude".
I guess the whole notion of what family is has changed, at least for me. Knowing that they are always there for you is never enough, knowing that they will stand by you in your ups and downs is insignificant. Family in my own definition is about sacrifice, its about being a unit. A family picture means so much more then just a photo with people in it now. Its the experiences we share, the hardship that we endured, the insignificant conversations that we have.
The thought of it, even now, kills me. I will never forget that weary face of my dad.
Well it might be cruel for me to say this, but i think it will do more good then bad, lets not have anymore video calling sessions.
A letter to my dear sister SQ.
Thank you for confiding in me the concerns you have for your forthcoming exams. I guess i didnt really know you till i came over.
At a young age like yours, exams are at times, a do or die situation. You give yourself too much pressure then you really ought to. I remember when i was your age and in secondary school, i wasnt in the habit of studying, doing homework or even paying attention in class. In your case, you have already beaten me in that aspect.
Well, when i did better then i could ever expect to, i contribute it to pure luck. I got lucky, from a 39 pointer to a 14 pointer. That was how lucky i got. This might sound like a message for you to follow my footstep, but in reality it really is not.
I believe that hardworking-ness have already been inculcated in you. When you speak to me, never once have i asked you to work hard. What i have always said to you in my relax take it easy tone is to let nature take its course. Never let the result bother you as long as you have done what you can, never come to a point where you let yourself be hurt by what you could have done. Rather, you should come to a self realization at the point of preparing for the exams that i should do what i can now, and let the results be what they are, no matter what they are.
My message to you is simple, its never about the results. Dont worry about making the cut, being not good enough. No matter what, things work out one way or another, each has its pros and cons, we all have different routes in life to undertake. As being a brother and for who i am, one that never motivate or console, i can only provide an alternative. Thats all i can do and say.
I am sorry if this does not offer you help in any ways, but i sure hope it helps ease the pressure of expectation that we have on you. I can tell you frankly that dad will take whatever results you score.
Dont complicate life, its already complicated enough. Let others do the worrying. Just be you for once.
SJ.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
If Only I Can Kiss Away The Pain.
I feel as if there is a lot of ideas in me that needs to be let loose tonight.
So i am just going to let it out.
The Beginning.
So i came to Perth with the preparation of being alone and boring for the rest of my time here. Good thing / lucky thing that i have a primary school friend here, so she kinda showed me around for the 1st month i was here.
In the beginning, it was a friend thing and i myself treated her like one. And me being me, i am always friendly with people as long as i can click with them. So i did not bother much about it.
After a month or so, my network of friends expended, uni started, and so i guess we did not meet up as much as before. That was normal i suppose, but i still make the effort to be in contact over the phone cause i think its only right to still make an effort to be friends.
I guess things changed when i went clubbing for the first time since i was here. I told her the following day just to keep things updated and all just like friends would. Her reply was "OMG, pls dun contact me anymore." I thought she was joking, so we still kept in contact.
But after a while, i sense a shift in attitude. Thats where it hit me, my friend told me that didnt it occur to me that she might like me. And in her own view, she obviously thinks she like me. Well, i didnt take too much to heart what she thought till one night where she asked me out for dinner together with her housemate.
That night she TOTALLY ignored me. Man, luckily i know her housemate quite well, so i still had somebody to talk to. FUCK, i dont know whether i am the one with fried brains or is it really the case. But i and her housemate talked to a point where she made a comment, you know, sometimes girls have a wrong impression of you because they think they can relate to you, and therefore start liking you, but then they fail to realise you are actually like this to everyone else. Maybe that phrase fitted the conversation we were talking about, but then again, it might relate to something else.
No matter what, i was shell shocked. She was the last person i expected to be so shallow.
Swing Swing Swing
So now having got that over with, i got a shock for my assignment. I was given a 52% for it. Well, i scored high distinction for my analysis, but failed for my report finding. Judging it was my 1st ever report, and i having no prior idea wad a report is, i suppose its a good thing. At least i treat it as a learning experience.
On a brighter note, i scored 80% and above for the other 2 tests i took. So i guess i aint that stupid and thus can stop doubting my own ability for university.
When You Say Nothing At All
The reason for all my post seems to be because there is something FUCKING wrong with everything out there and it seems like i am the only RIGHT one.
1. I hope all irresponsible parents die.
2. Thank God (whoever you might be) that i have such a perfect family, even though the credit must all go to my dad who made it all possible even with his lone effort.
3. Thank God (whoever you might be again) for making me such a LUCKY bastard-
3.1 Having the opportunity to make for myself $50,000 and putting it to good use now that i am studying overseas.
4. A whole lot of credits to my dad because -
4.1 You made me a sensible person since i was a kid.
4.2 You groom me to who i am today.
4.3 You taught me the importance of being responsible, financial security, the idea of family, to be able to face myself in the mirror everyday and be proud of what i am today.
4.4 To know that i can always rely on you no matter what happens.
The reason for my outburst is because of all the unjust i see...
1. Why should a child carry the burden of her parents?
2. Why make a child go through the agony of coming overseas and having to worry about finances after?
I would imagine a parent to be mature and responsible. Not act like 2 fucking kid trying to figure things out among themselves. Cmon, as FUCKING PARENTS, have more sense then that.
SOMETIMES I FEEL MORE ADULT THEN ADULTS THEMSELVES.
THEREFORE I THANK GOD (WHOEVER YOU MIGHT BE AGAIN) FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE BECAUSE I COME TO REALISE THAT THINGS WORKED OUT SO MUCH BETTER FOR ME.
In The End.. (To My Ex)
In the end, it doesnt really matter...
I went to a church cell group today. They were talking about the 10 commandments. I came to realise that you actually broke one, Thou shall not commit adultery. You came to my mind, and knowing u are Catholic, i dont know what to think.
Dont get me wrong. I forgave you.
It just got me wondering whether did your Faith played as much as importance as you say it did. And if it did, did doing what you do changed anything?
How do you face yourself everyday?
Did i give you more credit then you really deserved?
PS : I have already let bygones be bygones, forgive and forget. The above entry has nothing to do with my sore ego or anything. Its just my thoughts.
To all you players out there, welcome its here.
So i am just going to let it out.
The Beginning.
So i came to Perth with the preparation of being alone and boring for the rest of my time here. Good thing / lucky thing that i have a primary school friend here, so she kinda showed me around for the 1st month i was here.
In the beginning, it was a friend thing and i myself treated her like one. And me being me, i am always friendly with people as long as i can click with them. So i did not bother much about it.
After a month or so, my network of friends expended, uni started, and so i guess we did not meet up as much as before. That was normal i suppose, but i still make the effort to be in contact over the phone cause i think its only right to still make an effort to be friends.
I guess things changed when i went clubbing for the first time since i was here. I told her the following day just to keep things updated and all just like friends would. Her reply was "OMG, pls dun contact me anymore." I thought she was joking, so we still kept in contact.
But after a while, i sense a shift in attitude. Thats where it hit me, my friend told me that didnt it occur to me that she might like me. And in her own view, she obviously thinks she like me. Well, i didnt take too much to heart what she thought till one night where she asked me out for dinner together with her housemate.
That night she TOTALLY ignored me. Man, luckily i know her housemate quite well, so i still had somebody to talk to. FUCK, i dont know whether i am the one with fried brains or is it really the case. But i and her housemate talked to a point where she made a comment, you know, sometimes girls have a wrong impression of you because they think they can relate to you, and therefore start liking you, but then they fail to realise you are actually like this to everyone else. Maybe that phrase fitted the conversation we were talking about, but then again, it might relate to something else.
No matter what, i was shell shocked. She was the last person i expected to be so shallow.
Swing Swing Swing
So now having got that over with, i got a shock for my assignment. I was given a 52% for it. Well, i scored high distinction for my analysis, but failed for my report finding. Judging it was my 1st ever report, and i having no prior idea wad a report is, i suppose its a good thing. At least i treat it as a learning experience.
On a brighter note, i scored 80% and above for the other 2 tests i took. So i guess i aint that stupid and thus can stop doubting my own ability for university.
When You Say Nothing At All
The reason for all my post seems to be because there is something FUCKING wrong with everything out there and it seems like i am the only RIGHT one.
1. I hope all irresponsible parents die.
2. Thank God (whoever you might be) that i have such a perfect family, even though the credit must all go to my dad who made it all possible even with his lone effort.
3. Thank God (whoever you might be again) for making me such a LUCKY bastard-
3.1 Having the opportunity to make for myself $50,000 and putting it to good use now that i am studying overseas.
4. A whole lot of credits to my dad because -
4.1 You made me a sensible person since i was a kid.
4.2 You groom me to who i am today.
4.3 You taught me the importance of being responsible, financial security, the idea of family, to be able to face myself in the mirror everyday and be proud of what i am today.
4.4 To know that i can always rely on you no matter what happens.
The reason for my outburst is because of all the unjust i see...
1. Why should a child carry the burden of her parents?
2. Why make a child go through the agony of coming overseas and having to worry about finances after?
I would imagine a parent to be mature and responsible. Not act like 2 fucking kid trying to figure things out among themselves. Cmon, as FUCKING PARENTS, have more sense then that.
SOMETIMES I FEEL MORE ADULT THEN ADULTS THEMSELVES.
THEREFORE I THANK GOD (WHOEVER YOU MIGHT BE AGAIN) FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE BECAUSE I COME TO REALISE THAT THINGS WORKED OUT SO MUCH BETTER FOR ME.
In The End.. (To My Ex)
In the end, it doesnt really matter...
I went to a church cell group today. They were talking about the 10 commandments. I came to realise that you actually broke one, Thou shall not commit adultery. You came to my mind, and knowing u are Catholic, i dont know what to think.
Dont get me wrong. I forgave you.
It just got me wondering whether did your Faith played as much as importance as you say it did. And if it did, did doing what you do changed anything?
How do you face yourself everyday?
Did i give you more credit then you really deserved?
PS : I have already let bygones be bygones, forgive and forget. The above entry has nothing to do with my sore ego or anything. Its just my thoughts.
To all you players out there, welcome its here.
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