I could write it better than you ever felt it.

Off the Key of Reason.

2011-04-02T17:39:00.003+08:00

To all whom i have loved.
I wish you well.
It was good while it lasted, now let the hate begin, its only right.
Remember the laughter, cause you will not come close to it again.
Remember the places, cause it will never feel the same again.
Remember those times, cause its never coming back.

My time with you has taught me well, even if its not for the right things.
As much as i can love, i can hate with all my heart.

I am human, i reason with myself on a per second basis.
If i do not think, what difference am i from an animal.
Yet when i do, i tend to keep thoughts to myself,
resulting in a vicious cycle that goes round in cycle.

I find solitude in writing, even if it does not make sense to just anybody.
It gives me an avenue to write my thoughts.
A space where my darkest emotions can be let out.
An environment where no one judges,
Off the key of reason he says,
Lets go back to the basics.

I have loved and hated.
This is love, they say.
I am not here to argue that, in fact, i should sadistically say i love every second of it.
This cycle has lead me to be who i am today.
I am proud of what i have become.

I am never letting go of the hatred, the bad, the ugly and the evilness.
But i believe in new beginnings, new perspectives, and starting life afresh.

To those who stand by me in the darkest of moments,
I give you the best that i can offer, nothing less.
In you, i learn what love can be, what it means, and what greatness we can get out of it.

Damned If I Do Ya (Damned If I Don't)

2010-02-23T00:21:00.002+08:00

I am a sucker for emo songs.

I've fought it for a long time now
While drowning in a river of denial
I washed up, fixed up, picked up
All my broken things

'Cause you left me
Police tape, chalk line
Tequila shots in the dark
Scene of the crime
Suburban living with a feeling
That I'm giving up
Everything for you
(For you)

Oh, oh, oh
How was I supposed to know that you were
Oh, oh, over me?
I think that I should go
(Go!)
And something's telling me to leave, but I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I don't

It took a lot to take you home
One stupid call and I end up alone
You're made up, dressed up
Messed up plans I set in stone

But you made me do
When I don't like dancing in the alley
With the streetrat night life
Can't keep living with a feeling
That I'm giving up
Everything for you
(For you)

Oh, oh, oh
How was I supposed to know that you were
Oh, oh, over me?
I think that I should go
(Go!)
And something's telling me to leave, but I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I

Don't make a fool of myself
When you hang around
When you're gone
I'm a match that's burning out
Could have been, should have done
What I said I was going to do
(Said that I would do)
But I never promised you
(But I never promised you)
Promised you, promised you

Oh, oh, oh
How was I supposed to know that you were
Oh, oh, over me?
I think that I should go
(Go!)
It never took a fool
To see the things that I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I do ya

Oh, oh, oh
('Cause you left me)
How was I supposed to know that you were
(Police tape, chalk line)
Oh, oh, over me?
(Tequila shots in the dark)
I think that I should go
(Scene of the crime)
And something's telling me to leave, but I won't
'Cause I'm damned if I do ya
Damned if I do
Damned if I do ya
Damned if I don't

????????

2009-08-16T00:17:00.003+08:00

Man question their existence all the time.

Its like driving a car on a deserted straight road. You step on the accelerator to the maximum speed that the car can drive at.. you feel the thrill.. do that for about an hour.. and going at 160km/h feels like nothing. Then u decide to drive slow, say at the speed limit of 110km/h. You enjoy the ride, noticing the increased comfort and lesser Tyre noise. Then u get bored and wonder when will you ever get to your destination. While u were dreading the drive, u notice maybe a car accident and u get all excited for that brief moment.. You talk about it; what might have caused it and whether anyone might have died.. then the moment is over and u continue to dread the drive.

To start, i have completely no idea why i am blogging and what do i have to blog about. (thats basically sums up all my posts).

Just as in am heavy in thought about what to type here, the Arsenal game started.. and i have been summon to go watch it..

I guess all i had to say to myself was, "Sam, this road trip of 6 months is over. During this 6 months you lost yourself driving towards what you thought was a destination. Along the way and while driving, you lost your focus and drive. You started to get delusional and lost that confidence that you thought you had to drive urself there. You lost your character that made u what you were and maybe thats why u started to doubt yourself. The day of reckoning has come. Its time to belive again."

Hmmm, maybe i will read this again when the Arsenal game is over and perhaps understand what i am talking about.

How respecting your boyfriend can save your relationship

2009-03-13T08:42:00.000+08:00

by Sylvher

Truth be told, many girls start off a relationship with respect for her man. However, along the way, as she discovers more imperfections in him, she loses respect for him.

When something disappointing about her boyfriend is discovered, a girl makes a grave mistake (usually on a sub-conscious level), thinking, "I'll wait until he changes THAT thing before I can respect him."

Such a decision is usually the start of an irreversible journey of discoveries of more flaws and problems with the man and a downward spiral towards more resentment, greater dissatisfaction and less fulfilment in the relationship. Thus, these very same girls wait for far too long and the respect that she has tagged to his change never surfaces.

If respect for your boyfriend is tagged to a condition, you are only setting yourself up for disappointment. In fact, girls who do that almost always end up breaking off the relationship.

Why wait for him to change? Why not just respect the man in spite of his flaws? Chances are, if you do that, you'll find yourself more fulfilled in the relationship and your boyfriend eventually learns to rise to the occasion.

Respecting him is easier than you think. Here's how:

1) Respect His Space
Stop putting your mark on him.

Some girls insist on putting something obviously girly or couple-ish (like soft toys or ornaments with love imprints) in their boyfriends' car. Some expect their boyfriends to use the heart-shaped mugs they bought in the workplace (or home, especially if the guy stays alone). Then, there are those who insist that their pictures be displayed as the wallpaper of their boyfriends' mobile phones.

If the guy is truly alright with such "markings", that's fine, If your boyfriend ever does any of these on his own initiative, congrats to you. You've definitely captured his heart completely. However, many guys are actually uncomfortable when their girlfriends propose such arrangements.

Firstly, the guy feels that his space is being invaded upon. Secondly, the girl appears insecure and needy with such requests.

Result? The guy loses some respect for his girlfriend. Though such actions will not result in break-ups (unless the requests are truly overboard and frequent), these
little actions are often tell-tale signs that you don't respect your boyfriend as much as you think you do.

2) Respect His Decisions
An average girl in Singapore is self-sufficient and her earning power can easily match her partner's. As such, reliance on her boyfriend as her future provider greatly diminishes as her income increases. The problem with this is that she starts being too confident in her own decision-making abilities and forgets to respect her boyfriend's.

Yes, the girl often proves to be right. And it's true, the female usually has the higher IQ & EQ in a relationship.

Nonetheless, she mustn't forget that eventually, the man becomes the head of the household, not the woman.

Challenging his decisions is like making a human walk around with two heads. Who truly leads? What if both heads say different things? How can anything get done properly?

Respect his decisions enough to not say, "I told you so…" - even in non-verbal cues- when his decisions end up in the wrong results.

Respect his decisions enough to not bring up his track record each time a similar decision has to be made. Treat his decisions as how you’d like yours to be treated, especially when it turns out to be wrong. Better to have a man who was wrong than a wimp who can't make decisions.

3) Respect His Time
Some girls need to have their boyfriends "report" to them by a certain time everyday. This is very suffocating to a man. Guys generally don't like to FEEL chained even though he is. Doesn't every girl want to believe that her boyfriend is hers and hers alone?

Men are generally more task-oriented and sometimes, taking time to even make a call breaks his work momentum. Normally, a guy will not tell the girl that he is feeling suffocated by her demands on his time.

Furthermore, if he loves her to a certain extent, he will not want to hurt her feelings unnecessarily.

When a girl insists on an arrangement that will encroach on a man's time, the man will very likely start feeling pressurised. If this goes on, the pleasure he feels on meeting or calling his girlfriend quickly fades. When that happens, the danger is that he may intentionally spend his time on anything and anyone else just to escape this pressure. How healthy can a relationship be if so?

4) Respect His Sharing
Many girls' knowledge are on par with or even more so than guys' these days. So what happens is that a girl becomes very quick to dispute the facts her boyfriend says and pass judgement on some experiences he shares.

When a girl does that too much, the man feels belittled and disrespected.

He starts being discouraged with talking to his girlfriend. Very soon, he shares less and less. In fact, if the girl bothered to take note, she will notice that when she is too quick to cut the man off, he usually ends up shutting up abruptly and the whole episode he was talking about suddenly stops short. That's the beginning of the end.

She should heed the warning signs before it's too late.

If you are that girl aforementioned, it's not too late. From now on, when your boyfriend tells you something that he understood wrongly, listen to the entire text first. Let him finish, respond to his conversation, then say, “By the way…” and correct his mistake (which you spotted earlier and just HAD to correct) gently. Chances are, he’ll accept your correction and even thank you for it if you do as such.

5) Respect His Family
The last thing you need is for your boyfriend to be caught between a rock and a hard place. That's because you are the rock, which can be moved and REMOVED, whereas his family is the hard place, which is immovable and unchangeable.

If you don't respect his family and even manage to pull him over to your side of the argument, you need to know that you must be prepared for a LIFETIME of having to do that.

Even if he already hates his family, you don't need to intensify his negative feelings and add to his pressure by complaining about what-is-to-come before the family gathering even takes place.

Grumbling and griping about an unexpected or upcoming family event helps nothing. On the other hand, handling such affairs with grace only serves to make him appreciate you more. He may not express his appreciation of you aloud but you can be assured that your respect for his family is not without rewards.

Many married men have revealed that the girl they choose to marry over another who could have been better-looking, richer or more fun to be with, is the girl who displayed such qualities. To a man, any girl who can show respect to his family, especially if he is very close to them, for his sake is worth spending a lifetime with.

6) Respect His Friends
No matter how you dislike your boyfriend's friends, it never hurts to have a possibility of them rallying around you should he confide in them after you two have had a fight. And fights will happen.

Most men turn to their friends after they have quarrelled with the girlfriend. If such friends have never known the girl, they are likely to fully believe his side of the story and join in his girlfriend-bashing rants.

However, if your boyfriend's pals have a good impression of their buddy's girlfriend, they may even speak up for you. This can only be to your advantage. Relationships have been known to make or break due to friends' input, so don't under-estimate the power of peer influence.

If you have never done any of the above "Respects", you must be wondering how you can do all six at once. Don’t fret. Any effort on your part to work on any of them will eventually be noticed by your partner. Moreover, from a start in respecting one aspect, it is much easier to transfer this respect to the other areas mentioned above.

Respect doesn't mean you have to be a doormat and allow him to step all over you. By
all means, tell him your opinion. Give him your suggestions but do so gently, calmly, respectfully, without an expected timeframe.

Give him the allowance to have his own response to your outpour of thoughts and emotions. Stop expecting change, improvement and a certain set of words or action from him. Don't disguise your demands as suggestions.

These are easily exposed when you react upon seeing that your "suggestions" were not taken.

Remember, respect should be given, not earned (by his credits). When you respect your man, you have nothing to lose. In fact, you'll have much to gain. After all, you've tried almost everything else to make your relationship work. Why not try respect from now on?

About the contributor:
Sylvher personally went from someone who was emotionally empty, dateless and hopeless about finding the right man in the past into a "highly date-able" and happily-attached woman presently.

As a Dating and Relationship Advisor to women in Singapore, she has coached many women into successfully enjoying their dating lives and entering into fulfilling relationships. She conducts trainings and personal coaching sessions (upon special requests) specially for women.

She maintains a website at - http://www.attractmeninsingapore.com

Fall Out Boy - Folie à Deux

2008-12-11T16:53:00.002+08:00

Another quality album from FOB. Couple of songs i like, maybe in the later stages i might like more of it.

My Top 3 Song from the album:

1. America’s Suitehearts
2. Disloyal Order Of Water Buffaloes
3. What A Catch, Donnie

They are geniuses with the lyrics!!

Random Stuff

2008-11-21T01:57:00.001+08:00

At this particular time, you are feeling that you are or were unjustly and undeservedly treated and/or betrayed in your hopes and dreams. You feel that everything is against you. But look on the bright side for you are, whether you believe it or not, a survivor.

You are lazy - you dream of a peaceful, calm, uncluttered and uncomplicated life. Your ideal would be to share a permanent base with some person or persons who would be able to demonstrate on-going love, peace and security.

You feel that you should be appreciated far more than you are but no-one seems to care! You feel that you are receiving less than your share and the main problem is that there is no-one to whom you can turn to for sympathy and understanding. The inner stress that you are experiencing makes you quick to take offence but you realise that at this particular moment in time there is little that you can do to relieve the situation.

All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes.

I won't hesitate no more, no more

2008-09-12T12:00:00.001+08:00

I am kinda in love with the lyrics of this song.

Relient K There Was No Thief

For a time I thought there was a thief among us
I thought I'd track him down but prior to my pursuit
The smoke it cleared into my disbelief
There was no theif
'Cuz it was me that lost you

There was no theif
'Cuz it was me that lost you

I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn't want to
I guess it's up to me to find a way to get to you

And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all of this I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid 'cuz you were so much better than me

I can't see you
Getting used to
Living in the midst of your perfection
And I'm so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shinin'

And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all of this I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid 'cuz you were so much better than me

I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back...

Things are shaping up to be pretty odd

2008-08-16T00:20:00.002+08:00

Its been a while..

A quick update, i found a job, nothing glamorous, but the pay aint that bad. $20/hr.
Got a ticket for running a redlight at a railway crossing, which was REALLY RETARDED.
Got the exact same average as last semester which is kinda great, but really doubt it will stay that way for much longer..

Perth is freezing cold at night with nothing much to do except casino-ing.

I miss my singapore food, my singapore lifestyle.
Otherwise, things are sitting alright at the moment.

I will post pictures later when i get to school. shall leach the school bandwidth.

Nothing much to write at the moment. Will put thoughts into words when i feel more like it.

In the meantime, you people out there take care.

Zoom Zoom Zoom

2008-04-14T13:49:00.002+08:00

My New Car. WeEEeEEeee....

Sometimes beginnings arent so simple, sometimes goodbye's the only way.

2008-01-28T02:34:00.000+08:00

That sums up all that i have to say for the new year.

And today was a day just like any other...

2007-12-29T02:11:00.000+08:00

This is my dad's car that i am driving in SG.
I decided to drive to this place called Labrador Park for a walk...

This is one of my friends looking like he had a drink too much..
Every now and then we end up at this place..And my seemingly innocent friends will start asking about the activities that flourish in it right by the road.
He who knows shall answer.And it all ends when my shadow's the only one that walks beside me..

A walking disaster

2007-12-18T01:28:00.000+08:00

I got so pissed drunk i screamed at the sea with all the might i had for the 1st time in my life.
I lamented about how unfair life was, to my friends whom i havent seen for quite some time.
I made a statement about how difficult life can be overseas; something that i didnt believe they can comprehend unless they experience it for themselves.
I held everyone back for a good hour or two till the sun came out and we went for breakfast.
I took consolation that in times of need like these, people whom i regard as friends take such good care of me. A big thank you to my best mate, Alvin. Rita, for being there when i least expect you to should.
I have no regrets i drank that day, i wont have qualms getting pissed drunk yet another time.
I let myself loose that day, allowing all that has been kept within to be let out, for good or bad.
I let the tears flow, heart to bleed, because at the end of it all...
I know i will be renewed with a new sense of being to face yet another vicious cycle of life.

I've been waiting for the chance to reunite this sick romance.

It was unbelievable to hear from you so soon after a rightful mention the night before. What can i say? Coincidences?
I am glad to be recognized to be someone of importance even after such a long time.
It was heartwarming to receive your message asking for a meet up before you leave for yet another long trip.
We might have ended on a sour note, but to see you making an effort to set things right again, it made me realized that you were still the you i once knew..
It felt good that it was not a mistake from the beginning.

I pledge allegiance to a world of disbelief

Where are you when you ought to be there.
Why do you always sound like there is something to hide.
What is it that binds us together.
When do i know what to believe in.

You're out there somewhere
I don't know if you care at all
It seems that you don't
It's as if the day will never come
So you remain a complete unknown.

The Mist

2007-12-08T05:41:00.000+08:00

In the mist of all these shit i am feeling, i decided to do some random profiling and was shock to see the result.

Name: Lim Si Jie
Date: 12/7/2007
Colorgenics Number: 71206534

Enough is enough - you feel frustrated and rejected. You are fighting back and the going is tough. It would be just wonderful if you could be left in peace.

You are a fighter and always on the defensive. You always need to be sure that your position is safe and established. When you finally make a decision you will pursue it to the bitter end in spite of all opposition.

You give the impression that you are a self-sufficient individual, pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain or pleasure. But this is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional person, one that may make hasty decisions and perhaps repent at leisure. It is time now perhaps to break the bond of detachment and become the real 'you' - the you that you would like to be.

All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliche 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?

http://www.goldinuniverse.com/

How fucking true.

This Is My Decemeber..

2007-12-08T04:55:00.000+08:00

I wonder why there are ups and downs in life when we all can be mono tone for good.
The fucking reason ppl give is that we can then treasure the good times.. but wait, how come i dun get to enjoy the fucking good time for a bit?

Dear lord,

I seriously think you are fucking around with me. No punt intended.

One moment i could be enjoying THE MOMENT of the year, and the next, i just might have been hit by a truck. So tell me, whats the fuck is all this about?

I am sick of all the reasoning. Sick of hearing anything and everything.

I am tired of being the way i am.

Just leave me alone, like you always had.

Look at me
Who am I supposed to be
and what do I believe?

Can you tell me
Since you made up your mind
Who knows what you believe

And I just don't know
Oh I just don't know, who am I supposed to be?

Look at me
Am I the image of you're hopes and tragedies
Just look at me
Will I ever be more than just a memory

I have decided to sleep when everyone is awake so that i can be left alone when everyone is asleep.

Keep a memory of me, not as a king or as a hero, but as a man fallible and flawed.

2007-12-02T16:35:00.000+08:00

And so i meant up with the usual gang, my ex gf, family members, acquaintances.

Watched a couple of shows.
Drank a couple of beers.
Had a couple of good laughs.
And it all ended with going home after.

The cycle never changes.
Not that i am complaining, but i wish there were more to it.
Its getting there i foresee, i am sure, i bet it is.

Meanwhile, ever looking forward as usual.

Now you're beside me, and look how far we've come. So far, we are, so close.

The Take Over, The Break's Over

2007-11-18T23:41:00.000+08:00

Say goodbye to everyone

I would like to give a honorable mention to everyone that i have known here; whom might not be here when i return the following year... You know who you are....

No matter how brief my encounter with you might be, its been nice knowing you.

Memories of you

For my friends whom have bothered to stay in touch with me even though i am far away, a big thanks, i be back soon enough. Again, you know who you are...

Baby, seasons change but people dont.

In a few hours time, the exams will officially be over, for me at least.
In a few days time, i be on the flight home for summer.
In a few weeks, i be complaining of boredom of having nothing to do.
In a month, i will be eager for an holiday.
In a couple of months, i be back in Perth doing the same routine.
In a year or two, i probably be used to the life and stop complaining.

The either of looking forward is stupid, because people change all the time.
At the start of exams, u just hope it ends quickly so u can start enjoying. But when it ends, u realised u have got nothing to keep u busy.

You look forward to going home, but u realised that by going home, u get the temporary satisfaction of seeing everyone again, doing things u like to do, then what?

When the day looms nearer to flying back, u feel that there isnt sufficient time to do the things u want, and regret not spending time more effectively.

The more you hope, the greater the disappointment.

I have learnt not to hope, because hope should not exist.

But then, i just cant help but hope.

Inside I hope you know I'm dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I died right now you'd never be the same

Now I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still alive.

2007-11-05T17:40:00.000+08:00

Poems 2007

Number 1
Hello there,

I need you by my side where,

The darkness and the feeling-less reside,

I need you here and always,

Your smile makes this all so worth it.

I put everything on the line,

Just so you will come by.

So hear me out tonight, selfishness aside,

Not to fight, to hell with the wrongs and rights.

It will just be you and I, today, tonight.

Number 2

I am holding on.

Listening to the music being sung,

The lyrics sad,

Makes it hard for me to be glad.

I grabbed a light,

Hoping it would make me feel alright.

Then you came by,

Sat right on the table by my side.

You were wearing black,

Makes it hard to figure out who’s that.

I wasn’t high,

I did not want to be just another guy.

As the night went by,

Never were you let out of my sight.

The feeling stayed,

Never thought it would last this long this way.

Moving on,

I knew it was time to make feelings known.

I didn’t care,

I knew I had to make something happen tonight, this day.

I was quite shy,

I didn’t dare look in your eyes.

I am falling off and I don’t know why….

Analysis

I suppose whenever i post something out, it means the thing has passed, no longer of concern, no longer of importance.
I guess this is no exception.

I told myself I won't miss you

Even if i wanted to, i dont think i will get to you.

2007-10-22T02:06:00.000+08:00

Achievements for the month.

1. Passed Driving.
2. Finished All Assignments / Projects.
3. One month remains to going home.

Downsides for the month.

1. Lost Money Betting Soccer.
2. Overspent on events.
3. Shisha Smoking.

Things to look forward to :

1. MAZDA 2 NEXT YR BABY!!!!
2. Shopping after exams!!!

Things not looking forward to :

1. Sponsor for the car.
2. Budgeting when shopping.

Wonder why there is no exam anxiety?
Makes me wonder too.

Hi Pam, Hi Ade.
On the contrary, i find university, at least for now, super duper slack. The reason for my previous outburst was because i wasnt doing it till the last min, and now that i have cleared it, i am back to being slack again.

I NEED MOTIVATION, STUDY PARTNER. (maybe i should advertise for 1 in the school board)
Wanted : Study Partner
Willing to pay any price.

HAHA.

Anyways, i am looking forward to being home.

No 1, i can drive my dad car around now!!!!!
No 2, i wanna eat all the food out there!!!!
No 3, i wanna see everyone and do many things, even though nothing comes to mind now.

Alright, enough of me being a bimbo.
Sadly, there is nothing sad for me to write about tonight.

I'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell.

Basic principles... there are none.

2007-10-08T00:34:00.000+08:00

Swan Valley was a blast. We drank wine, we had cake, coffee, sandwiches.
We had FUN.
And i got drunk. What's new.

You know what it's like getting up every morning? Feeling hopeless, feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man. But, at the same time hoping that she still finds happiness, even if it's never going to be with you.

Interesting thought.

I am fucked for the coming week. Marketing 100 is fucked, nothing is done. Accounting 100, i got screwed over. Management is due. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK...

OK. i am drunk. Cheers.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

2007-09-30T22:36:00.000+08:00

Today marks the end of the September, just 1 month 3 weeks more to go...

I came to a sudden realization today of what i am actually living here.

1. The Party that almost got me kicked out of campus housing.
2. Getting so pissed drunk to be stuck in the toilet.
3. Smoking
4. Being as childish as ever.

To come to a realization and not do anything about it is something i cant live with.
And right now, i am doing just that; not living.

Ironies are so part of my life that i seriously doubt whether i would be the same person i am without it.

Irony One : To be able to write what i feel and not express it.
Irony Two : To be liked by many and not be liked by the one that matters most.
Irony Three : To be indifferent but the neediness never goes away.

I have always understood the meaning of dark satire because i have always been in one.

So pardon me tonight for being defensive.
Let me dedicate this to anyone who doesnt find it offensive.

Cause tonight just aint the night,
where stars can shine bright,
and lovers make out in plain sight.

To know you are close
yet feels so distant,
to get an answer,
yet one that doesnt answers.

I can write for ages this love of mine,
but such cruel is life,
that never will it serve its purpose outright.

Forgive me for this public outcry,
For no man's an island,
havent u realised.

I smiled when i wrote this last line,
because again i realised,
how ironic,
is life.

What am i living when i am done here.

2007-09-25T22:09:00.000+08:00

Family

Had a video call with my family yesterday for the first time since i been here under my mom request ( no idea why i called her out of the blue, but i am glad i did. I guess i wont consider it that long considering the fact that it has only been 2 months). I always believed that it is nothing of concern if you are away from the family since technology has made communicating easy and cheap. But however, the saying goes nothing beats seeing the familiar faces that i so have been used to seeing for the past 21 years of my life.

The first thing i noticed was my dad. He looked so tired and seemed to have aged quite a bit. Then my mom, which seems to be fine. My bro, which seemed to have slimmed down. Then my dogs, which are always as blur as ever. Then my sisters which seem to have grown taller. Lastly i saw my maid which i bragged my newly acquired housekeeping skills to.

We talked about normal things, feels kinda weird talking to family members over the net. Towards the end of the conversation, (we kinda ran out of things to talk about therefore i had to make it less awkward by ending it) a gush of emotions overwhelmed me. My face felt hot, my eyes were watery. Seriously, i did not have a clue what it was. Still, i put up a strong front and ended the conversation, with that "dont care-less, everything is fine, happy go lucky attitude".

I guess the whole notion of what family is has changed, at least for me. Knowing that they are always there for you is never enough, knowing that they will stand by you in your ups and downs is insignificant. Family in my own definition is about sacrifice, its about being a unit. A family picture means so much more then just a photo with people in it now. Its the experiences we share, the hardship that we endured, the insignificant conversations that we have.

The thought of it, even now, kills me. I will never forget that weary face of my dad.

Well it might be cruel for me to say this, but i think it will do more good then bad, lets not have anymore video calling sessions.

A letter to my dear sister SQ.

Thank you for confiding in me the concerns you have for your forthcoming exams. I guess i didnt really know you till i came over.

At a young age like yours, exams are at times, a do or die situation. You give yourself too much pressure then you really ought to. I remember when i was your age and in secondary school, i wasnt in the habit of studying, doing homework or even paying attention in class. In your case, you have already beaten me in that aspect.

Well, when i did better then i could ever expect to, i contribute it to pure luck. I got lucky, from a 39 pointer to a 14 pointer. That was how lucky i got. This might sound like a message for you to follow my footstep, but in reality it really is not.

I believe that hardworking-ness have already been inculcated in you. When you speak to me, never once have i asked you to work hard. What i have always said to you in my relax take it easy tone is to let nature take its course. Never let the result bother you as long as you have done what you can, never come to a point where you let yourself be hurt by what you could have done. Rather, you should come to a self realization at the point of preparing for the exams that i should do what i can now, and let the results be what they are, no matter what they are.

My message to you is simple, its never about the results. Dont worry about making the cut, being not good enough. No matter what, things work out one way or another, each has its pros and cons, we all have different routes in life to undertake. As being a brother and for who i am, one that never motivate or console, i can only provide an alternative. Thats all i can do and say.

I am sorry if this does not offer you help in any ways, but i sure hope it helps ease the pressure of expectation that we have on you. I can tell you frankly that dad will take whatever results you score.

Dont complicate life, its already complicated enough. Let others do the worrying. Just be you for once.

SJ.

If Only I Can Kiss Away The Pain.

2007-09-22T03:40:00.000+08:00

I feel as if there is a lot of ideas in me that needs to be let loose tonight.
So i am just going to let it out.

The Beginning.

So i came to Perth with the preparation of being alone and boring for the rest of my time here. Good thing / lucky thing that i have a primary school friend here, so she kinda showed me around for the 1st month i was here.

In the beginning, it was a friend thing and i myself treated her like one. And me being me, i am always friendly with people as long as i can click with them. So i did not bother much about it.
After a month or so, my network of friends expended, uni started, and so i guess we did not meet up as much as before. That was normal i suppose, but i still make the effort to be in contact over the phone cause i think its only right to still make an effort to be friends.

I guess things changed when i went clubbing for the first time since i was here. I told her the following day just to keep things updated and all just like friends would. Her reply was "OMG, pls dun contact me anymore." I thought she was joking, so we still kept in contact.

But after a while, i sense a shift in attitude. Thats where it hit me, my friend told me that didnt it occur to me that she might like me. And in her own view, she obviously thinks she like me. Well, i didnt take too much to heart what she thought till one night where she asked me out for dinner together with her housemate.

That night she TOTALLY ignored me. Man, luckily i know her housemate quite well, so i still had somebody to talk to. FUCK, i dont know whether i am the one with fried brains or is it really the case. But i and her housemate talked to a point where she made a comment, you know, sometimes girls have a wrong impression of you because they think they can relate to you, and therefore start liking you, but then they fail to realise you are actually like this to everyone else. Maybe that phrase fitted the conversation we were talking about, but then again, it might relate to something else.

No matter what, i was shell shocked. She was the last person i expected to be so shallow.

Swing Swing Swing

So now having got that over with, i got a shock for my assignment. I was given a 52% for it. Well, i scored high distinction for my analysis, but failed for my report finding. Judging it was my 1st ever report, and i having no prior idea wad a report is, i suppose its a good thing. At least i treat it as a learning experience.

On a brighter note, i scored 80% and above for the other 2 tests i took. So i guess i aint that stupid and thus can stop doubting my own ability for university.

When You Say Nothing At All

The reason for all my post seems to be because there is something FUCKING wrong with everything out there and it seems like i am the only RIGHT one.

1. I hope all irresponsible parents die.
2. Thank God (whoever you might be) that i have such a perfect family, even though the credit must all go to my dad who made it all possible even with his lone effort.
3. Thank God (whoever you might be again) for making me such a LUCKY bastard-
3.1 Having the opportunity to make for myself $50,000 and putting it to good use now that i am studying overseas.
4. A whole lot of credits to my dad because -
4.1 You made me a sensible person since i was a kid.
4.2 You groom me to who i am today.
4.3 You taught me the importance of being responsible, financial security, the idea of family, to be able to face myself in the mirror everyday and be proud of what i am today.
4.4 To know that i can always rely on you no matter what happens.

The reason for my outburst is because of all the unjust i see...

1. Why should a child carry the burden of her parents?
2. Why make a child go through the agony of coming overseas and having to worry about finances after?

I would imagine a parent to be mature and responsible. Not act like 2 fucking kid trying to figure things out among themselves. Cmon, as FUCKING PARENTS, have more sense then that.

SOMETIMES I FEEL MORE ADULT THEN ADULTS THEMSELVES.

THEREFORE I THANK GOD (WHOEVER YOU MIGHT BE AGAIN) FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE BECAUSE I COME TO REALISE THAT THINGS WORKED OUT SO MUCH BETTER FOR ME.

In The End.. (To My Ex)

In the end, it doesnt really matter...
I went to a church cell group today. They were talking about the 10 commandments. I came to realise that you actually broke one, Thou shall not commit adultery. You came to my mind, and knowing u are Catholic, i dont know what to think.

Dont get me wrong. I forgave you.

It just got me wondering whether did your Faith played as much as importance as you say it did. And if it did, did doing what you do changed anything?
How do you face yourself everyday?

Did i give you more credit then you really deserved?

PS : I have already let bygones be bygones, forgive and forget. The above entry has nothing to do with my sore ego or anything. Its just my thoughts.

To all you players out there, welcome its here.

And i knew the lights of the city were too heavy for me.

2007-08-28T21:18:00.000+08:00

Hi there, another lapse in posting, few months already? haha.

Oh well, been in Perth for close to 2 months now. i had my share of fun, laughter, peace and joy.
Reality is sinking in though, that i am here to study, not for a holiday. (Ironic part is that instead of typing my assignment, i am typing this entry)

So yeah, went to party a few days back. Had a good time knowing new people, providing me with a alternative view of things, broaden my horizons. Tried drinking myself high, but just couldnt. Man, i so wanna knock myself out sometime soon.

Perth has been an nothing short of an experience so far. The people you get to meet, the scenery, the language. Anyway, i am learning to drive now. Probably in a month or two i will be getting a car, so yeah, do visit.

Sorry for the incoherent post, i still wanna do my assignment.

PS : Smoking is bad, but then there is no turning back after u picked it up.

Poems 2005

2007-06-09T11:36:00.000+08:00

Chanced upon some stuff i wrote 2 years back. Enjoy.

Deny No More

Deny no more, nothing was wrong.

Last night a dream its wasn’t,

A crime it was not.

Nothing was wrong.

No one was at fault.

There was no wrong but a bond.

All I know was a dream was for gone,

A new one formed.

Remorse?

None I thought,

For all I did was want you to be mine,

So I thought.

Hurt?

I know you fought,

But yet all the more I forced.

Now you feel lost,

In denial of what went on.

Things may change,

Expectations may fall.

All I want is you to be mine,

Through it all.

Dreams of yours dashed,

But new ones will form.

Together you shall walk with me,

Down the path of life my wife,

For now you are my one and all.

Love At First Sight

I thought love was never coming my way,

Till we met on that fateful day.

On the first day of school,

I saw you,

It was as if seeing a stranger,

With a strange hairdo.

The next thing I knew,

I was in the same class as you.

I thought ‘gosh, this couldn’t be true,

Why would I be so unlucky to be in the same class as you?

Never did I knew,

That what I said would be so untrue.

After school you made the first move,

Asking me what shampoo I used.

I was never more amused.

That staged the platform for Day two.

On Day two I was on the lookout for that girl with a red hairdo.

Constantly looking around to catch a glimpse of you,

Wondering what’s there for me to do.

Time passed like it never use to.

From strangers to friends we became,

Forming a bond that would never change.

As we went on our separate ways,

I couldn’t help but wonder if things could have been a different way.

For two years I hoped and prayed,

That somehow this friendship could be saved.

I was a bastard in many ways,

I guess that is how,

When I show my jealous face.

The darkest days of my life,

Was living without you by my side.

Many things happened during that time,

But somehow I can’t recall them when I start to write.

All I care now is you,

Being by my side,

All else doesn’t matter as long as that’s satisfied.

I finally put in pen and paper how its like,

To know you from the start of college life.

I didn’t know it would sound so nice,

Till I read it out as I type this lines.

I finally know what its like,

To be in love at the very first sight.

Missing You

Darkness covers the sky at night.

Everyone sleeps in the absence of light.

Yet I lay awake,

Basking under the moonlight,

My mind’s swirling inside,

My eyes opened bright.

What could possibly be bothering me tonight.

I thought about everything that could possibly be bothering me alright!

It seems as if everything could not be more right,

Until your name came to light.

All became crystal clear at that sight.

I am missing you unknowingly every night.

The Sunrise

The sun rise,

The glaring lights.

I woke up and realized,

Love’s strange,

There’s no why.

The phone rang,

I got your reply.

All lines,

Telling me there’s no time.

I feel fine,

Left alone to die.

All this,

Makes me learn how to survive.

How’s life?

Is it all good at your side?

Never mind,

There’s no need to reply.

It just makes things worse each time.

Alright,

Good bye.

I am still a kid inside.

I will get over it each time.

This aint no crime,

I am breaking down as time goes by.

Honey why you calling me so late?

2007-06-08T01:03:00.000+08:00

I am red like a lobster now. I didnt know that cycling can do such damage to the skin.
PS : I skipped work today. There are like piles of work on my table now, but who cares, i am like the only one clearing the bloody lot, when it should be everyone's job!

Wow, i received an sms from her! sent from HK. After reading, it feels like she was just trying to use up her prepaid credits, because it sounded so lame, uncalled for, and totally retarded. Ok, i am not trying to be a bastard here, but it is seriously the case i tell you. She was flying back today, so probably had some unused credits, might as well dispose of it somehow. Ya, it doesnt help that she is online, back in SG while i am typing this entry.

Yeah, so i dedicate this heading to her, Honey why you calling me so late? (Hinder - Lips of an Angel). The reason why i am so sceptical abt it is because we havent been keeping in contact for the past weeks. She was busying having her own fun, and i was with my own life. So it is totally hypocritical when she sent that sms. But who cares, whatever her intention was. So let it be.

My dear Pam has been calling me EmoBoy for sometime now(she says i need to give her credits), but thats just a part of me. I think life has alot to offer for people my age. Basically its just a whole new phrase of life that i am going through. I hope this continues, cause i do not want to be sucked back into that pit of self pity, hurt, and grief again.

So long live the car crash hearts
Cry on the couch all the poets come to life
Fix me in 45

Minutes to Midnight

2007-05-27T13:51:00.000+08:00

To all my friends...

Caught up with the way life seems to make you
Feel as if you say I won’t make it through
The moments in our lives when all things come to
See the other side stay strong, stay true
You’re hanging by a thread when no one seems to care
But you'll find that in your heart I will be there.

Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.

2007-05-24T20:32:00.000+08:00

Tonight just aint the night.

Write me off, give up on me
Cause darling, what did you expect
I'm just off a lost cause
a long shot, don't even take this bet

Makes Me Wonder

2007-05-23T22:50:00.000+08:00

Well, i intended to post my thoughts on the various issues that has happened, but it seems like fate is cruel to me and the people around me nowadays. So folks, its best not to be near me right now.

Worked overtime today, partially due to the fact that i took the previous day off to go shopping. So when i got back today, there was like a mountain of things for me to do. And it doesnt help that i am down with flu!!!

Ok, so after work, i decided that i should embark on a Romance@SG expedition by taking the bus home, catch the Singapore night before i eventually leave. Was at the bus stop, waiting for a double decker bus when Mr Good Friend's Gf called me up.

THE SEASON FOR BREAKUPS.

Alright, basically she called to ask my opinion on things, then it lead to her telling me to help her breakup with my good friend. The details, let just keep it private. But i really hope the best for both of them, i really do. I will get an update from them as soon as there is one.

BE MY ESCAPE

Long ago, i used to write my emotions into pieces of lyrics. Nowadays, my emotions are reflected in the songs i listen to. Ya, i know it sounds unbelievable, me? Write songs? You gotta be kidding. Haha. My advice to you?, " Thats just who i am this week."

I relate to music very well. I really think songwriters are geniuses in the making. The ride home was to be my escape from the day to day hustles, matters of the heart, as well as my goddamn emotions. It was where i could be by myself, in deep thoughts. Today was no different, the bus ride home was accompanied by Fall Out Boy's Hum Hallelujah which really got me thinking.

Hum hallelujah,
Just off the key of reason.
I thought I loved you.
It was just how you looked in the light.
Our teenage vow in a parking lot,
"Till tonight do us part."
I sing the blues,
And swallow them too.

I told myself, "5 years down the road, u be singing like u mean it."

IT ENDS TONIGHT

It beens 9 days since that fateful day. I guess i am doing fine. Keeping myself busy, hanging out with friends, work, shopping, alcohol and cigarettes (they come together). I think it has took a toll on my health, been down with flu since 4 days ago, coupled with sore throat. Yeah, i know it aint exactly healthy, but its just a phrase my dear friends.

Just hanged out with my primary schoolmate who happens to live nearby for another late night supper. Its interesting the things she shares with me. Love, Lies, Life, Sex, Aspirations, Thoughts. Just a couple of things we talked about over supper. I am getting more amazed about the things that is happening right beneath my nose.

Maybe in time to come, i would not regard "making out with another guy while being attached" as a big deal anymore. Since its happening all around me. Am i the only weird one standing out? I am starting to wonder. I guess i been living in my own shell for a very long time. Its time to get out there again.

I guess i would end my boring ranting about my sad pathetic life here.
The breakdown of my thoughts on the events that happened would probably have to wait again. I am happy living life the way it is right now.

An extract that best describe my failed relationship.

And when the lights all went out
We watched our lives on the screen
I hate the ending myself
But it started with an alright scene.

Let me end with 1 of the songs of my life.

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You're finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

[Chorus]
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when you're blind
It’s better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight will make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends when darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Just a little insight will make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight.
Tonight, Insight
When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight.

My Life Story

2007-05-22T00:04:00.000+08:00

I knew i didnt have the discipline. It shows right, judging from the lapse in time from my 1st post to this. Haha.

Alot have happened during this time. Let me just list it out :
1) I found out that my good friend's girlfriend cheated on him. ( The details were way out of my league, then. )
2) My aunt was getting a divorce.
3) My girlfriend who is currently in HK, told me exactly on the day we were together for 2 years, 2 months that she cheated on me. ( Now i joined the league. )
4) Then life after the break up.

Amazing aint it. How so much can happen in such a short period of time. Let me just reflect upon all that happened, case by case.

1) The Love Affair.

When my good friend's GF msned me, and told me what happened. I immediately stop doing my work, got out of my seat, went to the stairs and called him up. After a few mins of scolding the fuck out of him. And asking what the fuck is he still doing with her, i said, "u fucking better know wad you are doing." I just couldnt take it lying down, i feel for my friend. And we knowing each other for close to 7 yrs, i knew what he is going through. I just could not understand why he was still with her.
And so, we met.

He told me the whole story, from the start to the end. I questioned his gf's every move, we discussed alot. I could see how hurt he was, how much he had sacrificed for this girl whom i quite frankly, didnt know too much about.
He forgived her and moved on from there. How he did that, was something i could never comprehend.

2) Time to Say Goodbye.

And 1 fine day, my young aunt who was married for 2 yrs or so suddenly moved home to stay with her mom. Thinking that it was normal for a married couple to quarrel, i didnt think much of it.
But 2 weeks on, she was still living with her mom. So it started to bug me what the fuck the guy was doing. I decided to find out more.
So, it appears that there was a third party(unsupported claim). Wow, why wasnt i surprised.
Yeah, so they are basically getting a divorce.

3) I Write Sins Not Tragedies

And then comes the news that my gf (technically my ex now) had cheated on me. I dont know the details. Yeah, probably i will never find out too.

I have always told ppl around me that in a relationship, its comes to a point of time when there is no love, but commitment. I believed that we had that commitment. I put much of my trust, faith, as well as my future into it, so imagine the shock it was when i was told of it.

I said my byes, hanged up the phone, asked my bro for a light, with hands shaking, went out of my house and to the staircase. i sat there, staring at the wall in front of me for a few minutes.
It was as if everything was unreal.

I called the few ppl i could call, screamed at them for a few hrs. My sincere thanks to those who were there for me when i needed it the most. Then, i couldnt sleep. It was the worst night of my life.

The following morning, a friend of hers met me for lunch. Then i went for a haircut as well as a highlight.

This was a start of a new beginning.

4) Thnks For The Mmrs

The past week or 2 i would say was pure torture. The constant thought of betrayal killed my appetite, affected my sleep. I couldnt eat or sleep. i was like a walking zombie. But it was during this period of time when friends really came forward, ppl like my gd friend, ppl that i was not close to, ppl that i used to be close with, all came forward. Whether it was out of sympathy or concern, they were there. Thanks!

5) Disenchanted

I gave personal thoughts to the above events, which i would leave for another day. Many thoughts, mixed emotions.

I end with something that struck me on Grey's Anatomy.

"Cristina, I could promise to hold you, and to cherish you. I could promise to be there, in sickness and in health. I could say till death do us part. But I won't. Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope. I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic or full of hope. I am not optimistic. I am not hopeful. I am sure. I am steady. I'm a heart man. Take 'em apart, put 'em back together, hold them in my hands. I am a heart man. So this, I am sure. You are my partner. My lover. My very best friend. My heart. My heart beats for you. And on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise you this. I promise you to lay my heart in the palm of your hands, I promise you... me."

That was how i felt about her.

Going Overseas

2007-04-08T19:34:00.000+08:00

Yes, as you may already know, i am leaving Singapore for Australia in July to further my studies. This has been a long hard journey but finally, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Maiden Post

2007-04-08T18:50:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, 07/04/2007 i decided to start a blog. I used to have one back in JC, but didnt have the discipline or the story to keep it going. After 2 years, here i am again. Will i be able to do it this time? God knows...